That things are getting better?
This pit is getting shallow as you fill it with sand for me,
I'll be up there with you soon.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Those dead eyes...
They reflect my own..
She brims with sadness, it overflows...
We are one because we suffer.
We are low.
We feel guilty.
It's our fault, you see.
The world blames us and we accept it,
we are the ones who bear the weights.
They hold us down and make us crawl.
We take it all,
it's our fault, you see.
Sometimes we fly high
Our chains uplift and we touch the blues in the sky.
But surely we return,
gravity prevails
and drags us each in turn.
We are deflated balloons,
our flesh turning black once again,
the blues washing away.
We hit ground
weights surround,
bind us down,
our blameful crowns.
We are the kings of dispair,
we overrule ourselves,
exiling our souls,
and no one knows...
She brims with sadness, it overflows...
We are one because we suffer.
We are low.
We feel guilty.
It's our fault, you see.
The world blames us and we accept it,
we are the ones who bear the weights.
They hold us down and make us crawl.
We take it all,
it's our fault, you see.
Sometimes we fly high
Our chains uplift and we touch the blues in the sky.
But surely we return,
gravity prevails
and drags us each in turn.
We are deflated balloons,
our flesh turning black once again,
the blues washing away.
We hit ground
weights surround,
bind us down,
our blameful crowns.
We are the kings of dispair,
we overrule ourselves,
exiling our souls,
and no one knows...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Maybe...
This is too much for you.
Maybe having a depressed girlfriend is something you can't deal with.
I hope not. I really do. I cry when I think about it.
But if that is the case, let me know now, please?
I don't wanna get in any deeper if that's the case.
I love you.
Maybe having a depressed girlfriend is something you can't deal with.
I hope not. I really do. I cry when I think about it.
But if that is the case, let me know now, please?
I don't wanna get in any deeper if that's the case.
I love you.
Right now.
I need you.
I needed you earlier.
You weren't there.
I scare you when I get that way,
but think about how I must feel.
Imagine being alone, and lonely,
no one there to help pull you out of the muck.
"I"m an island, in the middle of the big lonely sea, consider this my S.O.S., rescue me?"
I wrote that a while back.
I need you to rescue me now.
I needed you to rescue me then.
But it didn't happen earlier, and it won't happen now.
I needed you earlier.
You weren't there.
I scare you when I get that way,
but think about how I must feel.
Imagine being alone, and lonely,
no one there to help pull you out of the muck.
"I"m an island, in the middle of the big lonely sea, consider this my S.O.S., rescue me?"
I wrote that a while back.
I need you to rescue me now.
I needed you to rescue me then.
But it didn't happen earlier, and it won't happen now.
What must they think?
And more importantly, why do I care?
They see me, come to school, not come to school.
I look normal.
And they don't know. They don't need to, but I can't help but be self concious of their thoughts.
I've always been the "good girl", always goes to school, does her work, etc. But this year?
I lost that.
And it really wasn't my fault.
I mean, yea, depression is caused by guilt and guilt is my own emotion as a result of past demons, but I can't control how it controls me.
I can't help it that I have to spend whole days in bed if I'm not medicated properly.
I can't help it that we didn't realize I was this bad sooner.
But they don't know that, do they?
They think I'm normal, but flaky.
They think I'm not serious about school, they're wrong.
It's hard for me to deal with that thought, that they don't think I'm good enough.
It's hard for me to go to school. It causes a lot of anxiety for me.
I shake, and shift, and jiggle, trying to keep my mind off of my stressors.
And trust me, there's a long list of stressors.
How do you get caught up when you're so far behind?
I'm drowning.
And there's no one to save me but myself.
...But I've forgotten how to swim.
They see me, come to school, not come to school.
I look normal.
And they don't know. They don't need to, but I can't help but be self concious of their thoughts.
I've always been the "good girl", always goes to school, does her work, etc. But this year?
I lost that.
And it really wasn't my fault.
I mean, yea, depression is caused by guilt and guilt is my own emotion as a result of past demons, but I can't control how it controls me.
I can't help it that I have to spend whole days in bed if I'm not medicated properly.
I can't help it that we didn't realize I was this bad sooner.
But they don't know that, do they?
They think I'm normal, but flaky.
They think I'm not serious about school, they're wrong.
It's hard for me to deal with that thought, that they don't think I'm good enough.
It's hard for me to go to school. It causes a lot of anxiety for me.
I shake, and shift, and jiggle, trying to keep my mind off of my stressors.
And trust me, there's a long list of stressors.
How do you get caught up when you're so far behind?
I'm drowning.
And there's no one to save me but myself.
...But I've forgotten how to swim.
Dayemmm
Wow. Talk about insight.
I posted my last blog last night,
and this morning I fell again in to that bittersweet pit of selfish dispair.
Apparently the medical community does make mistakes (GASP!), and I WAS supposed to continue taking zoloft. Go figure. A person with Major Depression needs an anti-depressant...Hmm?
Hopefully, things will get better.
Hopefully, I won't flunk out of my junior year.
Hopefully, I can make it through the rest of the 11th grade.
Hopefully, I can keep my academic honors diploma.
Hopefully.
I'll let my friend Emily Dickinson wrap this one up for me:
I posted my last blog last night,
and this morning I fell again in to that bittersweet pit of selfish dispair.
Apparently the medical community does make mistakes (GASP!), and I WAS supposed to continue taking zoloft. Go figure. A person with Major Depression needs an anti-depressant...Hmm?
Hopefully, things will get better.
Hopefully, I won't flunk out of my junior year.
Hopefully, I can make it through the rest of the 11th grade.
Hopefully, I can keep my academic honors diploma.
Hopefully.
I'll let my friend Emily Dickinson wrap this one up for me:
Hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul,
that sings the tune--without the words,
and never stops at all.
Monday, March 1, 2010
New Month. New Blog??
It's time to cut you out of my life.
You are dead to me, and you wanted me dead to you.
Too bad I survived.
Too bad you lose in the end.
Have fun having no friends.
All I ever did was befriend you.
But whatever, it's in the past.
_______________________________
For now, I'm focusing on dealing with my depression.
Therapy.Tears.Memories.Connections.
I'm stressed.
Too much work and too little time.
Too much pressure with my grades and too little motivation.
I hope this pit doesn't get any deeper.
Because next time I might not make my way out.
You are dead to me, and you wanted me dead to you.
Too bad I survived.
Too bad you lose in the end.
Have fun having no friends.
All I ever did was befriend you.
But whatever, it's in the past.
_______________________________
For now, I'm focusing on dealing with my depression.
Therapy.Tears.Memories.Connections.
I'm stressed.
Too much work and too little time.
Too much pressure with my grades and too little motivation.
I hope this pit doesn't get any deeper.
Because next time I might not make my way out.
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