:)

Here's the plan for the next few weeks:
STUDY STUDY STUDY, WORK, WORK, WORK.
New Years Eve? Pfft. I have to work the next day.
Christmas? Pfft. I can't afford more presents.

But, if I graduate early, I can get a second job and work work work until college in the fall. :)
Yay.
Life is looking up.

Finally.

Snoww Day!

Hm... So what's been happening lately?
Not much really.
Been working like crazy (good thing).
As a matter of fact, my whole life is good right now.
I'm happy about everything, happy that I'll be graduating soon(!),
happy that I'm with the kid that I'm with <3, I'm just happy all around. :)
There's a good wind of change in the air, get ready kids. ;)


:) :)

My Favorite Photo (I’ve Ever Taken) 3 Brickfish

Kristan always makes me want to blog...

So, Kristan wrote a note basically about senior year and how things have changed and such, and it made me want to do the same.

Here we go.

It feels like yesterday my summers were filled with pool parties, my winters filled with snowballs, my springs filled with puddles and my falls filled with leaf piles. Today? My summers are filled with working and occasional partying, my winters are filled with detest for the weather, my springs filled with stress, and my falls filled with anticipation.

The present may sound bad, but it's not at all really, because I've grown up. Maybe I'm not done yet, but I'm so much more a woman now than I thought I was a few years ago.

Let's go back to middle school, allow me a few moments to shudder...
My middle school years weren't bad, per say, but they weren't the greatest either, I was an awkward bud, not having bloomed, and I wasn't that pretty of a bud either. I didn't have too many friends, and I wasn't apart of the "cool crowd", I was a rather large nerd.
Back then I had strong beliefs: No sex before marriage. Don't do drugs. Go to school. I hate my dad. Stay busy.
Now I have different beliefs, because I've learned that there's a large grey area in life. Not everything is black and white: Sex before marriage is okay, as long as it's protected, and not a big orgy fest everyday. Don't do drugs (That hasn't changed, I've seen it morph way too many of my friends into completely different people, but more on that later), Go to school when you can. Since I'm more or less psychologically challenged with school, I have to add that last part in. I don't hate my dad. Our relationship isn't what a normal father daughter relationship should or could be, but we do our best with the circumstances, and one day I hope to work on making it better. Don't be so busy all the time. Literally take some time out to enjoy the freaking flowers. Lately I'm so sick of rushing around everywhere. Can't stay, gotta leave, see ya later, bye. I'm sick of saying things like "I can only stay for a minute... I've gotta get home." Life is way too damn short to be in overdrive all the time. It's nice to be able to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Lately I had an old friend tell me I've changed, he phrased it as "so much worse than growing up." I disagree with this friend. We all make mistakes. We all do things we're not proud of, but for God's sake, I'm going to change. Everyone changes. It's completely normal. Ya, some of it's for the better, some for the worse, but I'm me. Accept me for who I am or not at all. I'm not completely content with the school aspect of things, but every other part of me, I'm proud of.

So here I am. Senior year. The first two yeas of high school were a cinch compared to these last two, really, I wish I could fucking erase these past two years. I wish I could start them all over knowing the things I do now, but I can't, and I accept that. Life is what you make of it, and I'm trying my hardest to make mine what it would have been had everything not gone to complete crap.
So here's me this year:
I can deal with school! School is my bitch!
School is hard on Wednesdays.
School is getting hard everyday.
I can't deal with school today.
I can't deal with school this week.
And so on and so forth.
My senior year isn't picture perfect. I might end up graduating early.
I know people are gonna tell me I'll regret it, but I think if they stepped in my shoes, they'd be handing me my diploma and telling me they don't know how I've made it this far.
To tell you the truth, I don't know how I made it this far.
I've had some dark times in the past two years, some times when I didn't want to live anymore. Luckily, enough light touched me in those times that I overcame it, and I'm still breathing and annoying everyone with my wordy blog posts.
As for the rest of this year, I don't know what will happen. I know what I want to happen... I know I want to graduate mid term, I know I want to work full time until the fall, where I want to start college at ISU and get my gen ed, then I want to transfer to BSU or IU and go for my double major in psy and linguistics. I can make it happen, but life happens y'know? I've learned that the future isn't controllable. I've learned that the nicest and saintly girls can turn into sluts. I've learned that completely well balanced teens can turn into emotionally unstable wrecks. I've learned that some of your best friends can change under the heavy influence of drugs, and I've learned that boys were much easier to understand when they had cooties.
I've learned a lot of things since I became a teenager. But mostly I've learned that I should stay true to myself. Keep a few close friends around for protection and love, and don't let jealous bitches get you down.

But, hey, I'm still learning, so in 4 more years when I write another reflective post, who knows what I'll say?

Lifee lately.

*Sigh*.
Done with an 8 day work week...

Tired.

Had a lil fun last night and tonight Got to see some new and old friends. :)
but didn't get to go see Samara :/ Damn't.

It's too cold!

Chelsie found a new man... Just gotta find a way to make him hers.. buahahahaha.

I miss my Alla. :(

I'm content I guess.
Wonderful bf, good friends, only thing that sucks is school, but there's a large chance it will be over soon :)

Peace..

YES!!

Satisfaction tastes like this.

Thank God.

You're mine!

I'm cuddling with your hoody and reveling in the smell of you.
:)

I'm so so so so so so so glad.

I'll post more mushy thoughts when I can actually think. :)
<3

Frustration tastes like this.

You know who you are.

Impatience is MY virtue,
so, tell me, what's next?
Do we continue?
Or end it with regrets?

Being around you is bittersweet,
does he really care at all?
I feel like defeat,
and really really small.

What am I to you?
A plaything? A toy?
I want to know the truth.
Was it all just a ploy?

I feel unappreciated.
I feel invisible.
We're not officiated,
so I'm miserable.

How long?
It's been a year,
Will it keep going on
Just like my tears?

I don't want to wait.
If you loved me, you'd know.
I'm not gonna anticipate,
What hasn't been shown.
So for now, I'm done.
And if it's not soon,
I'll go have some fun,
And you might sing a different tune.

Better?

I think.

Not sure yet.

I guess we'll see.

Frankie always makes me feel better...

Nice and Easy

Let's take it nice and easy
It's gonna be so easy
For us to fall in love

Hey baby what's your hurry
Relax and don't you worry
We're gonna fall in love

We're on the road to romance
- that's safe to say
But let's make all the stops along the way

The problem now of course is
To simply hold your horses
To rush would be a crime
'Cause nice and easy does it every time

*Sigh*

I don't need this right now, so why am I sticking out my heart??
It's a risk...
I prolly shouldn't take it..

But I can't stop it.
Just know that it's really hard to be your best friend and lover at the same time...
Conflict of interest.

Oh life..

Turkey Day. Blech.
Buttttt tomorrow, after work, (yay black friday!) I'm going to Indy to stay with Samara. :) Might get a piercing or two.. don't know yet.

I got accepted to ISU. No surprise, they'll take anyone. Obviously.
Probably going to do gen ed there, then get the hell out of this town. Go somewhere warm. Away from catty people.

Applied at more places, if only I could afford my own car payment, then I wouldn't have to worry every minute.

But for now, hasta lavista..

Ignore the little immature bitches..

And life goes on...

I hate Wednesdays.
I hate thanksgiving.

Holidays are such a joke... If you don't care about your fam damily enough to see them any other day, then why make a big deal out of seeing them on the 25th of fucking november? It pisses me off.
Plus I have no family.

Anyway, I will get through it.
gotta go.

A little info..

I signed up to earn money, so click on some ads for me.. I need moneyz!!

What I will be.

A good friend of mine read this and told me it was bloggable, so here you go.

I want to reach into someone’s soul, and pull out the dark pillows, I want to bleach them, and return them like new. I want to bring out the sadness, and throw it in the wind, for only the wind will accept sadness. I want to bring down the sun and put it in people’s hearts. I want to make sure they have less bad days. I want them to realize that their depression doesn’t control them, that they can control it. I want to take the cutters and heal their wounds. I want to take the bulimics and anorexics and tell them they are too beautiful and gifted to look so sickly, or to starve themselves. I will take care of them, because they can’t take care of themselves. I will be a strong, confident, woman who has the world in her hands, and a steady head on her shoulders. I will have overcome my own battles and be a stronger person for it. I will paint the sky with my happiness. I will have bad days, I will have good days, I will have neutral days, but I will handle them in the way they should be handled, which is not in bed, or huddled in the corner of the bathroom, or hiding behind a smile. I will let myself take care of myself, because if I can’t do that, I can’t help others who need it much more. My scars will fade, and my understanding will grow. My scars won’t disappear, as that isn’t what I want, I will wear them with a small sense of pride, that they don’t own me, but rather, I own them. They are a part of me, and always will be. I will be okay. I will remember the dark days of suicidal thoughts, and will understand that it doesn’t solve life’s problems, instead it kills the entire equation. My life will be fulfilled and healthy, I will make depression my bitch, and she will do as I say. I will look back on the 18 year old girl, who had so much trouble, and feel grateful for her struggles, because without her, I wouldn’t be where I “am” today. They will know they’re never alone, because I am always there, whenever I’m needed. And I will be available whenever that could be. I will sacrifice a small side of myself for their well-being, as it is just as important as my own, if not to me, then to a mother, or sister, or grandfather. I won’t be able to solve all problems, but I will learn greater knowledge through the journey than the total outcome. After all, we know the ending equation in life, it is the answer in the back of the book, but you can’t cheat your way there, because you haven’t learned how to complete it yet. It’s not something someone can help you with, it’s something you discover on your own, and you begin to learn about yourself. I want others to come to me with their most personal, or silly problems. I want to be needed. I will feel complete through others, as is my way. In saving them, I will save myself. The other hard fact about this, is in failing them, I will hurt myself most of all. I will take the blame, even though I didn’t molest the twins, or noose the closet, or load the gun, my soul will know the blame and accept it. I will have to live with the fact that I won’t win every time. Some of them will cheat life, and jump to the answer in the back of the book, they will choose the wrong way to reach this answer, and their fate will weigh in my heart.
I will have the strength of 1000 armies, and the wisdom of 2000 years. I will do my best to help others, and get them to help themselves.

Just so you know..

Guilt is not an emotion I'm used to, so the fact that you can get me to feel this emotion is amazing in itself, and I'm having some trouble dealing with it...

Just an FYI.

Tomorrow,

I'm starting new medication, for my anxiety, particularly about school. Hopefully it helps, because I've gotta get through it. *Sigh.*

I'm going to school...

Chris will be in Indy, and then Bloomington, which means I won't see him for a week and a half...

Might go to Showmee's with logan's crew. Haven't been in there yet, so it should be interesting...

It's too late for me to be up on a school night, but I can't sleep, as usual.

Apparently I have OCD as well? At least that's what my shrink put on my diagnosis...
Weird. I can't think of really anything that would label me as an OCD person... I don't wash my hands a lot, or touch doorknobs, or have any other peculiar rituals...
Oh well.

No Subject

Baby, please don't go, if I wake up tomorrow will you still be here?

This song pretty much defines my whole fucking life right now.

...

I know you love me,
I think...


Or do I not know?

I guess I just don't like not knowing things.


All I know is how I feel about you, I guess.

you know,

if you beat somebody down enough,
they won't get back up again.

Yay!

Had a great night last night,
and tonight will prove to be even better, as I am going to Samaras!! <3 <3
Can't wait, but gotta work first :(

Lovelovelovelovelove.

We should take pics ;)

blah.

so, life has certainly been different lately.
Been in touch with an old friend, and I have to say that I have missed her. :)

Also lots of things have changed.things for the better and the worst.

That's life, eh?

Untitled.

Day Day is over. Luff him <3
Bestie Gay ever.

Life is blah again,
I guess that's good?
Not sure.

Idk.
Life is confusing.

Hmm.

I want to write, but I don't know what to say.

I'm confused, as usual.

That's all?

Today,

Let's see,
A nice old lady told me I was clever. :)

Learned that the rumor mill really is hilarious.

Danced. :)

Gotz new shoes from Chris. (Pumas!!)

Got to see my best gay friend.

Gave my sick coworker a hug because she was crying :(

Saw my Alla :)

Met Alla's boyfriend.

I approve of said boyfriend... So far...

And saw my mom in a way too tight halloween costume (which is actually mine) and those babies were out to here...

I'm soo excited for Halloween!!


Guess that's all.
-b

Just one thing to say...

Huh?
No clue what you're talking about, actually.
Grow up.

Ummm

Birthday in like an hour! The big 18. :)
It's all going by so fast! Pretty soon I'll be taking shots on my 21st. :)
Crab legs tomorrow. Wish my birthday was everyday.

But for now I'm relishing my last minutes of "childhood".

Although, age doesn't mean much. I said goodbye to childhood a long time ago.

Funny how some people can't let go of it...
Oh the well.

This almost adult is gonna celebrate!
<3
-b

All right.

Brace yourselves children, the gloves are off, and I'm fucking pissed.

First of all: Whoever the fuck is stalking my formspring and saying stupid shit about me needs to stop. I'm sick of it. It's a website for QUESTIONS, not insults. Insult me all you want. To my face. That's fine, but don't spam my question site with shit you're too much of a coward to say to my face. Or better yet, mind your own fucking business, how about that? Get your own life, and stay out of mine.

Second of all: And this goes to anyone, my business, is my business. Period end. For those of you who know what's going on with me, that's fine. Good. But all the people who are shit talking about me are immature idiots who have nothing better to do with their lives. I seriously cannot wait to get the fuck out of high school because I'm sick of you tasteless bitches.

Third of all: South Vermillion High school is the most fucked up place on this earth. I've got a nosey ass bitch all over my ass which once again, isn't anyone's god damn business. And then I've got another bitch in cahoots with the first one trying to fail me in her class. I do my work. I get to school when I can, get over yourself. Threatening me or my family won't work. Try to bring me down. Go ahead, it won't work. I have more shit on you two than you even know.

Somebody give me the fucking strength to get through the next 8 months and get the hell out of this place. Hello college, goodbye fucking Clinton.

Case in point: Stay out of my business. Mind your own, I don't get in yours, don't get in mine.

And for those of you who have helped me with any of this shit, I thank you. I know who my true friends are.

The rest of you can go to hell.

To you,

I don't know when you'll see this, or if you ever will, but it's for you.

Some days, I think I'll be in love with you until the day I die. Sometimes I think you'll be with me when I die. Some days I wish you weren't, and some I think it's absurd to think that you were ever in my life in the first place.
The reason I wish you weren't with me till the end is because I feel like you deserve better than me. Yea, I know you're going to roll your eyes and say I'm being ridiculous, but think about it: I ruined your life in a lot of respects. I took your trust and stomped on it, multiple times. I lied to you. I still lie to you in fact, just to spare hurting you more, which is a paradox in itself.
But lying underneath all the lies, the broken trust, and the guilt I deal with daily over the things I did to you, I still can't get your face out of my mind. I can't fathom life without you, because for the past two years, you've been there. Maybe in the background, or maybe covered up by other noise in my life, but you were there. Maybe we weren't speaking, but I still know your number, and I still have daily reminders of you that I can't get myself to rid of.
The problem is, I don't know which parts of my brain are in love with you and which parts are just trying to make it up to you.
One day, I want to start again, and another, I think of how hard it would be, and man do I enjoy being single.
But how long can we stay suspended in the lurch that we've called our own since this all began two Septembers ago?
How long can we stay more than friends, less than lovers?
How long will I go saying your name every night, or doing a double take when I see a blue explorer?
And just how long, are you planning to stay around? Because I don't know how my life will survive without you just outside my door.
How long until another girl finds you, and treats you the way you should have been treated by me, and doesn't have a problem with commitment, and is ready for forever?

Right now, I want you to read what I wrote in your journal, but tomorrow, who knows how I'll feel? So it really doesn't matter if you read it or not, because it's nothing that hasn't been said. It's not anything that you don't already know.

One day, I'll make up my mind, but why do I get the feeling it'll be too late?

Weird.

Today, I watched my mom write a message to my ex, basically telling him that I am hers, and she will protect me until she dies, and it made me realize how far we've drifted apart.
I never thought it would happen, but in that moment, all I wanted to do was crawl into her lap and hug her and tell her I'm sorry for ruining her life all the time. I stress her out by not going to school and sleeping for days at a time, and I don't know how to fix it... I wish things were as easy as they were when I was little, when everything made sense. All I ever wanted to do was grow up, and now that I am, it seems like the world is a much scarier place than I realized.
I didn't crawl into her lap, or hug her, or say I'm sorry. It was too hard to breach the distance we've covered in the past year.
I just wish someone would have told me all this crap was going to happen, so I would have been prepared, maybe it wouldn't have mattered, but maybe it would've. Now I'm just stuck trying to get my life back in order when I'm still in the throes of chaos.

Blah Squared.

Skyping with Goodz every night is a pleasure.
He's the bestest.

In other news,
play is going well... Just have to memorize a bajillion lines and not get to practice for 3 days in a row on account of working... *sigh*.

Gah, what else?
Oh yes, my 18th birthday is in 12 days. :D
W00t.

Erm. Guess that's it for now...
Better get to bed.

Night biotches.

Life is

blah lately...
Started my meds again, and slept for 3 days.

People are so cruel, it makes me sick.
Apparently I've done shit to a lot of people to be treated this way.
I'd love to have them confront me face to face.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

Might as well complain some more...

I've also had some trouble with the attendance nazi at school... I've missed 4 days. That's it. Four, she called my mom 3 times the other day. What the heck?
She's acting like 4 days is a big deal, and then she breached confidentiality when she brought my best friend into her office and questioned him. Like really?
Get a life.
I don't want you knowing anything about me.

Apparently I'm "weak"

So I guess I have some haters because they have been cyber bullying me on formspring. Saying I'm two faced, bringing up my depression, and then having the gull to call me weak.

People like this really piss me off. Until you have experienced depression, you have no right to judge those who have. Depression ISN'T weakness. It's a chemical imbalance, it's a traumatic event, it's a number of things, but it has nothing to do with how strong you are.
If I had to judge how strong or weak I am, I'd say I'm stronger than most because I'm still here aren't I? Yea, there were a lot of times I wondered why I was still living, but did I ever do anything about it? No. Somehow I kept myself from doing something permanently stupid, and I'm glad I did.

How about you experience the hell I went through, and then try telling me I'm weak?
Odds are you wouldn't make it through.

Coward.

Today

I realized that I want to go to college somewhere warm.

After this weekend...

After this weekend, I'm sick of bitches.

After this weekend, my liver wants to hurt me back.

After this weekend, I have the coolest mom.

After this weekend, I realize that I do like you... And I'm not sure how you feel about me.

Babushka.

a woman's scarf, often triangular, used as a hood with two of the ends tied under the chin.

Yay spell bowl.

So I'm pretty sure this one guy likes me, and I don't know how I feel about said guy...
Idk, I don't really know him, I guess.

I'm just really confused on the whole relationship situation.
Do I want a relationship?
Sorta. I want the nice things in a relationship... Hugging, kissing, knowing there's someone there, etc...
But I don't want
loss of freedom, drama, or complications.

And most relationships are composed of the latter.
All this passionate kissing on tv isn't helping me....
Grr.

Grawr.
I just wish I knew who "the one" was... then my whole life would be much easier.

Huh.

So today I heard in class that a kid from school got hit on his moped... And the police believe that someone did it on purpose. And everyone just shrugged. Mostly because this guy isn't popular, cool, or even clean. It just kind of struck me as a tragedy that no body even gave a crap that some kid might have been hit when he was just innocently driving. Idk. I haz a heart I guess??

Now if this were some prep, or a honky that everyone liked, it would be a huge tragedy, even if it was only an accident.

I guess I just don't like to think about someone intentionally hurting someone else like that, for no reason at all.

The gary's are back in town

...and other news.

Gary number 1, Mom's ex husband is here, and is thinking about staying, god wonder why? Not like he's still in love with her or anything....

Gary number 2, Chris' snake, is also back in town, which implies that Chris is as well. :D Many smiles for this.

Spell bowl starts tomorrow, and I'm still up... *Sigh*.

No date to homecoming yet, got turned down by the first guy... He had already asked someone else. Shit.
But it'll prolly end up just bein me and Alla anyway, because that's how we do ;) and it's much more fun that way.

In other news,
I'm tired.
I think I'll go to bed now, if everyone would ever stop texting me... >_>

It's been a while...

Many things to say and not much energy to say them, but I'll do my best.

Senior year baby! Need I say more? :D

You're back in my life, not really sure what to think of us, or what's going to happen... Not really sure about anything really. I'm not even sure how I feel. At least we're young.

Festival is this weekend. Need I say more? :D

I'm back in my usual dilemma: I wish I could make a guy generator and grind all of the guys I want to date together to combine the good things about all of them into one awesome man... Sadly, I have no funds to make this happen.

I'm going to be writing a lot this year, essays, newspaper, here, etc etc. So if I'm MIA, I'm probably just burnt out.

*Sigh*
This year will be stressful. Seniors are expensive, and since I'm one of them, well, yea, I'm expensive... I have no clue how to raise the money for the New York trip, my cap and gown, my grad party, my birthday party, prom, and all of the other expenses my exhausted brain is blocking out. I need a second job.

There's another dilemma: I can't find one... I've applied anywhere possible and no one has called back. I'm starting to see how lucky I am to have one job...

Trying to decide what I should be for Halloween...

And you, my phone is keeping me from texting you and it upsets me.

Oh, and you, please grow up. It's over, it's done with, stop posting stuff. Look, if I was in the wrong, then I'm sorry. But it doesn't matter now. You're out of my life, and frankly, life isn't too bad. So just move on.

Argh.
I need to figure out where to go to college... Everything is happening so fast... I'll be graduated before I know it. It's sad, really.

Well, I'm off. I'm going to catch up on some sleep.

Oh, and I'm depression free. :)

Things I hate:

I hate when the piece of shit car in front of me decides that they need to drive slowly over the "damaging" train tracks. Makes me feel safe when I have to stop to compensate for their stupidity.

I hate the fact that a few months separates me from the title of an "adult", I'm a better adult than the person who decided that maturity has a threshold.

I hate boring texters. Really, if you have nothing better to say than "lol", why say anything at all? Same for me, I'm only "loling" to satiate you, I'm really not interested in anything you have to say.

I hate girls. How about you pull some respect for yourselves out of your vagina's and quit complaining about how "fat" you are. I don't care if you really are fat, just shut up. You won't get sympathy from me, maybe some bullshit about how you're not, but why waste the precious minutes of my life to do so? Just shut up and eat your Big Mac.

I hate pad/tampon commericals. I'm sorry, do you think using some red colored water would be offensive to us TV viewers? By all means, use a blue liquid instead, it's much more appealing to the eye. Or wait, here's an idea, don't give us a demonstration of how a period works at all, just show us the damn product, I don't really like thinking about my period whilst trying to enjoy a little television, and I'm sure the boys don't either.

Speaking of commercials, Axe, you suck. Quit trying to make men appear way more manly than they are, and quit implanting the idea into their pea brains that if they wear Axe, we will ravage their brains out. It's not true, but I suppose if a guy is wearing Axe, it's safe to assume they believe this idiotic theory, so we can skip talking to them, what a time saver, but still, your commercials are a waste of time.

Parents. Need I say more?

Children. See above.

Adults. I know it's been a long ass time since you were our age, but really, don't be dicks about it. You don't have to give us long lectures on how these are the defining moments of our lives, trust us, we've heard it all before, and believe it or not, no matter how many times you say it, we probably still won't listen to you. Preaching it to us more certainly won't improve the odds, so why waste your precious adulthood? Go rent some porn or get ice cream at 3 in the morning, because you can.

Oh yea, quit acting like you never made a mistake in your life, or had fun for that matter, we know you did. We know you snuck out, we know you probably smoked some pot or got drunk with your fellow teenagers, and we know you enjoyed it, so ignore the tendency to lie, we're not as stupid as we look, really.

Why is my room being clean a big deal? It is MY room, so can't I keep it how I want it, within reason? So what's the big deal if there's some clothes on the floor, maybe I like it that way. You can keep the rest of the house your way, but my space shall be how I want it. And if you ground me, I shall grovel in my filthy space and enjoy the essence of it's messiness. Buahahhahaha.

I hate when people try to guilt trip me, that's my thing, leave it alone. Besides, I'm way better at it than you.

DON'T criticize my driving. I'm the one behind the wheel of this 2,000 pound death machine, why are you yelling at me? I'm sure that will help improve my skills, because if you just sit there calmly I'll probably have a panic attack or something.

People who don't understand the beauty of sarcasm. Really, I love people like you, the world would be a terrible place without the soul sucking sarcasm haters. <3

Those goody two shoed idiots who take everything their parents say and think it's God's word. Sure Mom and Dad, I'd love to run to the store for you, I'll just entertain my company when I get back. Jeepers!


I thoroughly hope you enjoyed my ranting, if not, well, fuck you. :D

2 months later...

And I feel normal again,
some people complain about normalcy,
me? I embrace it.

I can deal with my life now.
I can cope.

I'm safe. I'm on top of the world.

Do I dare believe?

That things are getting better?

This pit is getting shallow as you fill it with sand for me,
I'll be up there with you soon.

just when i think im alone, another mirrored soul reveals itself.

-ferrari.

this girl

is experiencing a little hope for the future...

hope that's not a mistake.

Finally!

He's all mine. < 3

Those dead eyes...

They reflect my own..
She brims with sadness, it overflows...
We are one because we suffer.
We are low.
We feel guilty.
It's our fault, you see.
The world blames us and we accept it,
we are the ones who bear the weights.
They hold us down and make us crawl.
We take it all,
it's our fault, you see.
Sometimes we fly high
Our chains uplift and we touch the blues in the sky.
But surely we return,
gravity prevails
and drags us each in turn.
We are deflated balloons,
our flesh turning black once again,
the blues washing away.
We hit ground
weights surround,
bind us down,
our blameful crowns.
We are the kings of dispair,
we overrule ourselves,
exiling our souls,

and no one knows...

Your rose smells sweeter than the rest, Romeo.

-ferrari.

Dreading...

School.
It'll be bad.

How low can i fall to where i cant get back up?

-ferrari.

Maybe...

This is too much for you.
Maybe having a depressed girlfriend is something you can't deal with.
I hope not. I really do. I cry when I think about it.
But if that is the case, let me know now, please?

I don't wanna get in any deeper if that's the case.

I love you.

Right now.

I need you.
I needed you earlier.

You weren't there.
I scare you when I get that way,
but think about how I must feel.

Imagine being alone, and lonely,
no one there to help pull you out of the muck.

"I"m an island, in the middle of the big lonely sea, consider this my S.O.S., rescue me?"
I wrote that a while back.

I need you to rescue me now.
I needed you to rescue me then.

But it didn't happen earlier, and it won't happen now.

What must they think?

And more importantly, why do I care?

They see me, come to school, not come to school.
I look normal.
And they don't know. They don't need to, but I can't help but be self concious of their thoughts.
I've always been the "good girl", always goes to school, does her work, etc. But this year?
I lost that.
And it really wasn't my fault.
I mean, yea, depression is caused by guilt and guilt is my own emotion as a result of past demons, but I can't control how it controls me.
I can't help it that I have to spend whole days in bed if I'm not medicated properly.
I can't help it that we didn't realize I was this bad sooner.
But they don't know that, do they?
They think I'm normal, but flaky.
They think I'm not serious about school, they're wrong.
It's hard for me to deal with that thought, that they don't think I'm good enough.

It's hard for me to go to school. It causes a lot of anxiety for me.
I shake, and shift, and jiggle, trying to keep my mind off of my stressors.
And trust me, there's a long list of stressors.

How do you get caught up when you're so far behind?
I'm drowning.
And there's no one to save me but myself.

...But I've forgotten how to swim.

Dayemmm

Wow. Talk about insight.

I posted my last blog last night,

and this morning I fell again in to that bittersweet pit of selfish dispair.

Apparently the medical community does make mistakes (GASP!), and I WAS supposed to continue taking zoloft. Go figure. A person with Major Depression needs an anti-depressant...Hmm?



Hopefully, things will get better.

Hopefully, I won't flunk out of my junior year.

Hopefully, I can make it through the rest of the 11th grade.

Hopefully, I can keep my academic honors diploma.



Hopefully.



I'll let my friend Emily Dickinson wrap this one up for me:

Hope is the thing with feathers

that perches in the soul,

that sings the tune--without the words,

and never stops at all.

New Month. New Blog??

It's time to cut you out of my life.
You are dead to me, and you wanted me dead to you.
Too bad I survived.
Too bad you lose in the end.
Have fun having no friends.

All I ever did was befriend you.
But whatever, it's in the past.
_______________________________

For now, I'm focusing on dealing with my depression.
Therapy.Tears.Memories.Connections.


I'm stressed.
Too much work and too little time.
Too much pressure with my grades and too little motivation.

I hope this pit doesn't get any deeper.


Because next time I might not make my way out.