Kristan always makes me want to blog...

So, Kristan wrote a note basically about senior year and how things have changed and such, and it made me want to do the same.

Here we go.

It feels like yesterday my summers were filled with pool parties, my winters filled with snowballs, my springs filled with puddles and my falls filled with leaf piles. Today? My summers are filled with working and occasional partying, my winters are filled with detest for the weather, my springs filled with stress, and my falls filled with anticipation.

The present may sound bad, but it's not at all really, because I've grown up. Maybe I'm not done yet, but I'm so much more a woman now than I thought I was a few years ago.

Let's go back to middle school, allow me a few moments to shudder...
My middle school years weren't bad, per say, but they weren't the greatest either, I was an awkward bud, not having bloomed, and I wasn't that pretty of a bud either. I didn't have too many friends, and I wasn't apart of the "cool crowd", I was a rather large nerd.
Back then I had strong beliefs: No sex before marriage. Don't do drugs. Go to school. I hate my dad. Stay busy.
Now I have different beliefs, because I've learned that there's a large grey area in life. Not everything is black and white: Sex before marriage is okay, as long as it's protected, and not a big orgy fest everyday. Don't do drugs (That hasn't changed, I've seen it morph way too many of my friends into completely different people, but more on that later), Go to school when you can. Since I'm more or less psychologically challenged with school, I have to add that last part in. I don't hate my dad. Our relationship isn't what a normal father daughter relationship should or could be, but we do our best with the circumstances, and one day I hope to work on making it better. Don't be so busy all the time. Literally take some time out to enjoy the freaking flowers. Lately I'm so sick of rushing around everywhere. Can't stay, gotta leave, see ya later, bye. I'm sick of saying things like "I can only stay for a minute... I've gotta get home." Life is way too damn short to be in overdrive all the time. It's nice to be able to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Lately I had an old friend tell me I've changed, he phrased it as "so much worse than growing up." I disagree with this friend. We all make mistakes. We all do things we're not proud of, but for God's sake, I'm going to change. Everyone changes. It's completely normal. Ya, some of it's for the better, some for the worse, but I'm me. Accept me for who I am or not at all. I'm not completely content with the school aspect of things, but every other part of me, I'm proud of.

So here I am. Senior year. The first two yeas of high school were a cinch compared to these last two, really, I wish I could fucking erase these past two years. I wish I could start them all over knowing the things I do now, but I can't, and I accept that. Life is what you make of it, and I'm trying my hardest to make mine what it would have been had everything not gone to complete crap.
So here's me this year:
I can deal with school! School is my bitch!
School is hard on Wednesdays.
School is getting hard everyday.
I can't deal with school today.
I can't deal with school this week.
And so on and so forth.
My senior year isn't picture perfect. I might end up graduating early.
I know people are gonna tell me I'll regret it, but I think if they stepped in my shoes, they'd be handing me my diploma and telling me they don't know how I've made it this far.
To tell you the truth, I don't know how I made it this far.
I've had some dark times in the past two years, some times when I didn't want to live anymore. Luckily, enough light touched me in those times that I overcame it, and I'm still breathing and annoying everyone with my wordy blog posts.
As for the rest of this year, I don't know what will happen. I know what I want to happen... I know I want to graduate mid term, I know I want to work full time until the fall, where I want to start college at ISU and get my gen ed, then I want to transfer to BSU or IU and go for my double major in psy and linguistics. I can make it happen, but life happens y'know? I've learned that the future isn't controllable. I've learned that the nicest and saintly girls can turn into sluts. I've learned that completely well balanced teens can turn into emotionally unstable wrecks. I've learned that some of your best friends can change under the heavy influence of drugs, and I've learned that boys were much easier to understand when they had cooties.
I've learned a lot of things since I became a teenager. But mostly I've learned that I should stay true to myself. Keep a few close friends around for protection and love, and don't let jealous bitches get you down.

But, hey, I'm still learning, so in 4 more years when I write another reflective post, who knows what I'll say?