My luckiest day

I love my life, let me explain. Yesterday was by far my luckiest day ever, it began like any other day, I grumbled about having to work a double and get up so early, I went to my first shift and it was normal, normal tips, normal tables, nothing crazy. Second shift? Fucking A. My first table of 2nd shift were these 2 engineers, picture it, 2 nerdy middle-aged guys talking about nothing but engineering stuff for like 3 hours. Yes, they stayed for 3 hours, if you serve, that's a nightmare, but thankfully, they didn't sit in my section. Hell Yea. I had these guys eating out of my hand, plus they were awesome people, and they tipped 30 dollars on a 20 dollar meal and told my manager how awesome I am. I had another table, a lady and her two kids. One kid was between 10-12 and I absolutely loved this kid, he made my day, he was so polite. I love polite children, I want to hug and kiss the parents for bringing up such a wonderful child. He said things like "When you get a chance..." And it was so cute that I would have brought him 50 refills without complaining. Here's where the weird part is, in the midst of their stay, my manager tells me that the lady really wanted her soup before her salad, which she hadn't told me, but I hadn't asked either. My manager's cool so she just reminded me to ask, no big deal. I deal with the table like normal and they leave, when I open the book and see my tip I about fainted, because they left me 30 dollars too. A waitress expects good tips like this once in a while, we all get tables that love us or that tip really well, but two in one night? I started to realize I was on a roll. A creepy guy at one of my tables gave me his number too, and a 7 dollar tip, when I showed it to my manager to get a laugh out of her, she starts calling everyone's attention and awards me a pin, saying I got 2 customer compliments in one night, a $30 dollar tip, and a phone number. I laughed and announced that I didn't really want the number, I'm happy with my man at home. The pin is really cute, and I'm so glad I earned it, I've only worked by myself for 4 shifts now. I can forsee better sections and scheduling in the near future. Before I left for work in the morning though, I reminded Logan to pay the security deposit and check about getting our shower fixed, which hasn't had hot water since we moved in. I get home that night, happy as can be, telling him about my day, then he casually mentions that our shower is fixed. The craziest part? He didn't even go to put a work order in, they just showed up and the guy fixed it in 15 minutes. A shower after one of the best days of my life never felt so good. I'm so happy.

You say goodbye, and I say hello...

Hello Phoenix, Arizona! Glad to meet you. Goodbye Indiana, I shall no longer gaze upon thy cornfields. Yea, I live in Arizona now, and I 'm psyched to be here, it's warm, it's got all kinds of cool shit to do, places I've never even heard of... It's awesome. We got an apartment and are job searching right now. I'm feelin' good. I made it 2 weeks in the car with you baby, and it was beautiful. You're the one. I'll update some more later....

Blahhhh

I need to move somewhere warm.... Like now. I'm done with Indiana and I'm done with cold in the winter. I hate cold. AZ, I'll see you soon.

Mmmm :)

I love mornings with you, I love evenings with you, I love any time with you, and we both know that's not much. We watched the fireworks over the Wabash cuddled in a tree and it was one of those "moments". I'm sick, but you're taking care of me and that's the best thing. I'm ready to start forever, already. Apartment shopping FTW. I love you. SHMILY, baby, SHMILY.

Blahhh

I'm sitting in my car, stealing wi-fi from a local hotel before I go into work. I love college so far, but I hate living 30 minutes away from it. I just wish I could go home for those 2 hours and take a shower and stuff before I have to work, instead of peddling around campus and then going to work. As things are, I spend about 10% of my time in Clinton, and about 90% in Terre Haute. Logan and I are working on getting an apartment in Terre Haute, but money and time for it, I don't have yet. He's not scheduled very much at PJ's, so he's working on getting another job. I'd like to get a campus job, since they're embarrassingly easy, and work around your schedule, but as it is, I fall into bed everynight once I get my homework done and all my stuff together for the next day. Not having a washer and dryer kind of sucks too, because I either have to wait until I get time to do it, or do it in the middle of the night and get less sleep. Other than the little things like the above, I love my life, I love my boyfriend, and I love where things are going. He's perfect for me, and that's a dumbed down description because he's so much more than that. All right, I'm off. Working for the Man. Woohooo. Here's to big tips and little work.

College time...

So, first week of classes will be over in about 2 hours.

It went pretty well, I didn't get hopelessly lost or commit any faux paus.
It seems to be loads better than HS and I'm glad. It's much easier to focus here.

I have to work from 2 to 8, so as soon as classes are done I'll be heading off to run around some more, oh life.

Here's to starting a new chapter.

Owx1000

Shoulder hurts, damn trays.

Got all my books, 500 bucks? You're smokin' crack.
Now for the parking permit and to pick up my laptop, then class starting Wednesday.

Woooo college.

I literally have the best damn boy in the world.
That bath was amazing, as was the massage...

I love how we fit. It's perfect, I've completely changed. I don't party or drink, maybe a beer here and there, but I'm not drunk every weekend anymore.
You're still not boring and we've been inseparable for 3 months now, and that's an all time record for me.
I don't lie to you, and you're the only guy I see.
I would turn a naked Brad Pitt away.
I'm so glad you came into my life, I need your stability and smiles.
You're my anchor, I'm not tied down, and I have just enough freedom,
You rescued me.

You're perfect.

That's cool

Wow. You are an asshole Mr. Crowley.
Suck my balls.

I love all the people I got to work with, but you two, so fuck you both.

On to new and better things.
CB maybe?


Also, I love this boy, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

<3

You can have your cake and eat it too,

It's your birthday! Happy happy happy birthday!

I loveee youuuu.

You

When I woke up you were gone, I didn't like it. I understood, but I didn't like it.
I searched for you in vain, but to no results.
I found your note, and it helped.

I don't ever want to wake up without you again.
I love you more each day.

In that moment...

we weren't our identifiers, we were stripped down of all that bullshit to just two souls.
I wasn't Brittany and you weren't Logan, we were two souls mingling in the twilight.

Nothing mattered because we didn't have identities in that moment.

I loved that moment.

I can answer that question now...

I'd walk in front of a bus for you, any day.

Call me crazy, call me naive and dumb,

but I love him.

I hope this feeling lasts.

We'll see in about 2 months.

Perhaps...

I've found true happiness in your arms.
Perhaps I've found my anchor.
Perhaps I'm not alone on this big empty sea,
perhaps you're my S.O.S. and you'll rescue me.
Perhaps you'll bring me security, but freedom as well,
perhaps I won't have to hobble away,
nor will my wings be cut.
Perhaps we can just fly together
and kiss the sky.

Perhaps I won't fuck this up.

I'm slowly

Going insane.

Been awhile since I posted on here, life has been catching up to me and everything has been hectic.

I'm not saying anything about my love life right now, because I am so confused it isn't funny, actually I'm not confused for once, just stunned.

ISU is quickly approaching, Orientation went as expected, I'm just ready to be done with Gen Ed already. Didn't I take 4 years of this stuff already?

Other than that, everything's fine, life with Dad is very peaceful and I keep good company. That's all I'm saying.

This girl

is done with being ignored.
I'm going after what I want.
What I want is you, and it's been that way for a good two months now,
I'm done with just accepting what you're telling me.
If I'm wrong, I'm wrong,
but I'm gonna fucking try.

Are you ready?

Here we are.

Today's the day, I'm finally graduating high school.
I won't miss it. I had some good times throughout these 12 years,
but honestly I wouldn't relive them.
Not just because I don't want to go through puberty again, but because I wouldn't change anything that happened.
It's time for me to take my best friends hand, who just happens to have the next last name in the alphabet, and start the next chapter of my life, for better or for worse.

Convos with Daddy...

I blatantly asked my dad how he reacted when he chased a girl back in the day, and he told me this: "Brittany, there's an old saying that says a man would walk in front of a bus for the woman he loves, and it's true."
So it got me to thinking, who the hell would I walk in front of a bus for?
That's a hard question to answer, since, as far as I know, no buses are threatening to take out my loved ones, therefore it's hard to really say.
There's one person, but I doubt they'd do the same for me, being as how they rarely find time for me.

As far as that goes, I just wanna know for sure, you know? I don't want to guess incorrectly, but I don't want to get my hopes up either.
Fuck this feeling.
But I know what I want, just don't know if I will get it.

I am

I am beautiful.
I am funny.
I am loud.
I am sometimes out of line.
I am a dancer.
I am a singer.
I am a lover,
and a dreamer.
I am full of life.
I am hopeful.
I am wistful.
I am careful.
I am thoughtful.
I am a bitch,
sometimes.
I am in love,
and then I'm out.
I am special.
I am worth it.
I am lucky.
I am unforgettable.
I am a worrier,
and a warrior.
I am a teenager.
I am an adult.
I am a child.
I am mature.
I am my past.
I am my future.
and I am my present.
I am controlling.
I am easygoing.
I am silly.
I am confident.
I am jealous.
I am charming.
I am soulful.
I am cocky.
I am conceited,
sometimes.
I am faulty.
I am flawed.
I am imperfect.
I am me.

And I wish I were the woman of your dreams,
but if I'm not?
I'm someone else's.
And he is very lucky indeed.

A thought:

The once depressed appreciate things more.

:')

If there was ever a true statement, it is this:
There isn't a man in the world a girl can count on more than her daddy.

All the time I listen to shit that my mom says about my dad.
I put up with it because I have to live with her.
But tonight, she got on my nerves, and after her saying that my dad wasn't going to come to my graduation, I texted him.

Not 2 minutes later he calls me,
he says "Brittany of course I'm coming to your graduation, I'm gonna steer clear of your mom but I wouldn't 'miss it."
I was in a fragile state, thanks men, so I made him promise, even if he had to work, he would get there.
He did. He promised me. He said "I love you, of course I'm coming to your graduation."
I started crying, really I did.
I'm a bit emotional right now.
I've realized that J is not that into me.
Which sucks, but I'll get through it.
I basically told him not to waste my time.
I can't take another emotional break down, especially not over a guy.
I have to protect myself.


but I love my dad.
I never thought I'd say those words and mean them, but he's really stepped up in the last year.
He's the man I wish I would have known from the start.
He's caring, and attentive.
I'm lucky.

Mhmm.

Officially ready to graduate!
All the tests are done, now all I've gotta do is accept my diploma at graduation.

Hah, Just kidding.
I've got senior pics to get done,
2(?) proms,
planning for the grad party,
and graduation itself.
Not the mention all the shit I have to do for college for the fall.
Add work into all that and I'm gonna be busy.
Oh, and broke too.

Having my grad party with B. :) I love that girl, known her since I popped out, we're pretty much twins.
Ahh, let's see, what else is going on?
I still need a prom dress...
Too much shit to do and not enough time to do it.
Blah.

Mm.

Mama took some pictures of me today. :)
They are cute.

V's taking my senior pics soon, can't wait.

I'm going on my niece's field trip to the Children's Museum on Friday, I can't wait!

Haven't been this happy in a lonnnggg time.

Tehe at Life..

I got my oil changed today, and talked to two random women about relationships. It was pretty crazy. Told me all about J, because they were into astrology and he's a Leo.
"Just stroke that little lion's ego, girl, you'll be fine."
Lmfao.
Loveee...

Last night was stupid. Idk why I thought texting would be a good idea. I just hope I haven't made irreparable damage for myself. :(

Got my hair done today, highlights, looks good.
Overall?
Everything's great.
Sure hope it stays that way.
Also, apparently I look in the age range of 22-25, and I'm getting hit on regularly. Not a bad thing, but so not interested in anyone else.

Crazyyyy daysss.

I've had some crazy days lately.
J lost his cat. :( I'm gonna miss Tux, even though I just met him.
Another friend told me something and it's hard to think about.

I don't know.
Life is crazy,
on another note,
my 1st year at ISU is basically paid for, thank you ISU/FAFSA!!

Big big relief.

Wooo.

I watched this movie called Chloe last night, (stealing J's Netflix, Netflix is the best ever.) and it was like, porn.
Full on lesbian action, even some regular guy on girl action.
It was sexy.

Still need to see Black Swan to witness the famous 69 scene.

Blahhhh,
working 10-6 all this week. Not looking forward to that,
but I'm off this weekend.
Getting my hair trimmed and highlighted on Saturday, it's gonna be super cute.
I will deserve some pampering.

Gonna watch a movie, do some laundry, eat a tomato, and talk to J.
Life's good.

Gah.

Fight Club was a good movie.
I watched it like last week but it's one of those that's hard to get off of your mind.

I had the best day today, I woke up happy, (probably because I went to bed happy), had a nice little breakfast, went to work, managed to stay in an upbeat mood all day, except for the jealousy thing with Logie, that's tearing me up, and now here I am.
As for L,
You're my best friend, nothing more. You can't be irrational when I find someone who peaks my interest.

Except for that, everything is good.

I'm starting to have those "is this too good to be true?" thoughts, though.

It's the inner cynicism trying to get out, I suppose.
Yet, I still have a really good feeling...

It's as if everything is starting to make sense.
Finally.

Oh really?

Why don't you get a life already? Hmm?
I mean it's flattering that I'm your whole life, but honey, sweety, angel, it's gotta end sometime.
I've moved on, why can't you?

As for you, you're supposedly so done with me, so quit reading my blog. It's none of your business anyway.
Really, I appreciate that you were in my life, but don't go saying shit behind my back, either. As for the "going back on love thing" it was a double meaning.
But I'm done explaining myself to you.



Now that the bullshit is taken care of...
I'm gonna say goodnight to J then go cruise because the insomnia is setting in.
I'll be working like crazy this week so I need some relaxation time.

I keep thinking, where was this guy a year ago?
But then I think about it and it wouldn't have worked out.
But now?
Well, I guess we'll see, won't we?
:D

So loving life right now...

I have everything I need.
I've got my girls: B, C, A, and S.
I've got the man of my dreams: J.

Love this feeling.


There's no going back on love.

Hmm :)

Well life is going pretty amazingly lately.
I don't want to jinx things yet, but yea, there's a guy. :)

*Sigh.
Going to watch a movie.

:)

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously,

I just had the best night ever. :)

Yay monies!

Got part one of my tax check today, so I'm paying some bills.
Blah, I think it's time to go out and buy my nightly drink.
Mom's finishing the FAFSA after we did the wrong one. >_>
Shit, reminds me, I have another check I haven't checked on...
Well I'm off.

2nd Worst day ever!

Achhhhh. When will it end??
Today sucked as well.
Oh and remember how I was going to be off for 2 days? Yea, only got one because I got called in.
I hate my job.

I swear, I don't see me putting up with it much longer at all.

Worst day ever!

Literally.
I wake up 10 minutes late, so I speed to get to work, get pulled over and land myself a $120 ticket. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't get pulled over on 63, because I was going upwards of 90 the whole way, and that would have been considered "reckless driving", yea right, my last name is an Italian sports car, I can handle breakneck speeds. Maybe I should have made that joke when he pulled me over? Okay, maybe not...
Get to work, late, thank you Mr. Pig, and am bombarded with stress all day long.
I hate retail.
I'm really considering finding myself another job, in anything other than retail.

And hey weather, whatdafuxup? Quit being a menopausal woman and straighten the fuck out. I would prefer warmth, so have a hot flash.
I know, I'm just full of stand up tonight. I tend to do that when I reach my breaking point.

I chopped all my hair off, well not all of it, my last name ain't Spears. It's between my ears and shoulders and it's super cute. I need to update my picture on here.
I just got sick of my long hair, it was always in the way and it never looked good because I couldn't do anything with it, ugh. I'm glad it's gone.
As for my home life, I'm searching for a way to move in with my dad by causing the least waves and property damage, but it's not looking good.
I have two whole days off.
This hasn't happened in like, ever?
It'll be nice to not have to work for a change.

On a darker note, I drove to McD's a while ago, and I swear I saw Death. Twice. Call me crazy, sleep deprived or tripping on acid, but I saw Him. Just for a split second and He disappeared. Then it happened again. I'm not sure what it means, maybe I'm going to die? Maybe someone I know is going to die? Maybe it means nothing at all, but it scared me a little.

Well, there's my update, finally, after not having internet on here for a good month.

Seriously, FML.

I'm sitting in a McDonald's parking lot, getting much needed internet to study for my stupid finals in T minus 4 hours, and I'm not even close to being prepared.

I'm confused about a number of things, I'm confused about my relationship situations and life itself.

Should I live with my dad?
It sounds so peaceful, I wouldn't have to deal with bullshit every freaking minute, but then again, I don't know him, at all, so how would that work out?
I'm just scared shitless. Scared of how I'll be treated,scared of what Mom will do, scared of what she won't do, and I don't know how to go about doing anything right.

I just want to leave this stupid situation and never look back, if only it were that easy.

A personal insight from your girlfriend...

Lately you’ve been wondering why I’ve been so distant and pissy, so I thought I’d let you in on the past few weeks, in my perspective.

That night with Coop was atrocious for many reasons.
I hadn’t worked a double in over half a year since I’d moved from serverland to retaildom, so I was really, really tired.
I walk in and don’t receive one word of greeting, and no, you both yelling at some stupid movie about guns and war with german subtitles doesn’t count as a greeting because I’m not a guy. I don’t think Coop even acknowledged my existence at all, he didn’t look at me, make a comment that was towards me, nothing.
Then I realize that you both are drinking, and that just made me want to strangle something. That meant I was going to have to drive, I had had an offer that night to go have a much deserved drink and I turned it down because I had plans with you two, and of course because if I have one single drop of alcohol in my body, I can’t drive, I wasn’t offered any. Strike two at etiquette in 5 minutes. Out of the three of us, I was the one who needs 3 stiff ones, it had been that kind of day, so my mood went from bad to worse.
At this point I’m furiously texting and you start to notice that something’s wrong, and attempt to remedy it, but the situation was just too bad for your sentiment to matter much. I take a long as shower as possible, trying to calm myself down, but it doesn’t really help much. I get dressed and wait for you two to get your shit together so we can go, and a few minutes later Coop pipes up saying that we’re going to miss the previews, and man, does he love his previews. Fine. I get in your van and start hightailing it to the threatre, but I realize that I’ve probably brought the mood down substantially and that small part of me with feelings kind of feels badly about that. We arrive at the theatre with only a hitch or two, which is a miracle because I was pissed and driving a large, unfamiliar vehicle, in the dark.
Later I find out that Coop is texting you stuff like “Is this really necessary? If she didn’t want to go she shouldn’t have come, I don’t want to die…” or something like that, he was CRITICIZING my driving. If I would have known what was going on I probably would have pulled over and told him to shut his drinking ass up because if he didn’t like my driving he didn’t have to come, or try to intoxicate the only other person who could drive. I then would have added that if I was driving manically it was only because I didn’t want him to miss his precious previews, which he complained about upon leaving. Lucky for both of you, I didn’t find out about this conversation until days later. There are so many other ways he could have went about texting you, but that was not the correct way to do it. In your defense, you did defend me, just not the way I would have defended myself, which would be to call him a pompous asshole and tell him to shut the fuck up.
So we arrive at the theatre and at this point both my bad and good sides are telling me to leave you two in the parking lot, bad me saying that I would make a dramatic entrance, and good me saying that I was ruining both of your nights, so I would give you some alone time to complain. I stomp in to the theatre and buy my own ticket and popcorn. We sit down and watch the stupid previews, and it’s really bothering you that I’m pissed off so you start trying to hold my hand, which isn’t happening. You really expect me to just ignore the fact that you showed me close to no affection 20 minutes ago and then get all cuddly because we’re in a darkened theatre? Hell no. You tell me later that Coop is weirded out by PDA or something, which still doesn’t make sense, because darkened theatre or not, it’s still PDA.
The movie’s not really that great, but it manages to lighten my mood a little, so after it’s over I’m smiling and trying to joke around. You try to tell me that you’ll drive, and I immediately tell you that, no, I’m driving. (You probably did this because of Coop’s complaining, but I didn’t know that and I wanted to get back at you for all the times I would have barely anything to drink and you still wouldn’t let me drive.) I drive. We get back to the apartment and Coop hightails it. He says he’s leaving, gives you a big stupid hug and gets in his car. Strike out on the etiquette. I don’t think he said a total of 10 words to me the entire night. He didn’t say hello, he didn’t say goodbye, and he didn’t say fuck you in between.
The night comes to a close with us fighting (I really can’t call it fighting if all you do is apologize, though, can I?) and me leaving with a still pissy attitude.
I have a gut feeling you'll want to show this to Coop, but just know that it won't do any good, he's a lot like my mom, once he doesn't like someone, not much is going to change his mind.

While we’re at it, let’s skip back to New Years, shall we?
It’s New Years Eve, I’m in Terre Haute, and you’re in Indy at Coop’s, seemingly for no reason except to spend time with him, since you don’t’ work the next day. I wasn’t invited so I’m with Chelsie.
We go to Outback and then we ponder where to go afterwards, both Delta Sig and ATO enter our minds, and we decide on ATO because Schulten wasn’t at Delta and we didn’t want to feel weird. I don’t tell you where I’m going, but I have a feeling you can guess because I’m being so fencey about it. It’s probably a good thing that you didn’t try and bar me from ATO because I just would have pointed out the fact that you chose to go to a party where I wasn’t invited, and that wouldn’t have ended that wonderfully. I really didn’t want another safety lecture anyway, you’re not my dad, and I’ve been to plenty of parties without you and I’ve been just fine. (To be fair, though, both New Year’s something bad has happened, but that’s usually because I drink a lot more alcohol than I should, because hey, it’s New Year’s, but everything always turns out okay, and no, don’t ask me what happened because I won’t tell you, I don’t want to talk about it period.)
I remember you calling me and saying something, but I don’t remember what, at all, we could have been talking about politics for all I know, because that that point, I was textbook wasted. I do remember you asking me where I was and I lied and said I didn’t know because of the reasons listed above. So the night ends with you in a completely different town than me, on New Year’s. I mean, honestly? That’s not the best way to start off a new year when you’re in a budding relationship, but whatever, what’s done is done.
To tell the truth, if I had been invited to Coops, I probably wouldn’t have went, because I wouldn’t have felt welcome, and I wouldn’t know anyone, and I did have to work the next day at 11. So if you have any qualms about my New Year’s, you should have stayed home.

Oh hell, let’s just fast forward a couple of weeks to Pike night.
I get off work and go to your place because we planned to head to the party at Pike later, we chill with Abby for a while, watching some stand up comedy. Then we decide to leave and I decide I definitely need alcohol, so I start heading towards Logan’s. We get there and I can pretty much tell I’m not going to get any alcohol, but I decide that you two should bond a little anyway. Logan is one of my work friends, we share a lot of the same opinions on relationships and the opposite sex, and I really wanted him to meet you. When Logan finally gets upstairs, I can tell this isn’t going to go well. At first you don’t talk at all, but with prompting you start, only to basically insult my friends. Maybe you didn’t mean it, but you came off that way anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. I try to keep my jaw from hitting the ground on a few things, and I know exactly what Logan is thinking and it’s scaring the hell out of me. You really didn’t help his opinion with Rosies, as he calls them, and the fact that their full of themselves, talking less about Rose and more about something else would have helped, but whatever. I try to pull things around, but by this time I can tell his mind is set and I just decide to get you out of there. I don’t say anything about it because the night was already looking crappy and I honestly don’t think you did it on purpose.
We head to Pike and I try to psych myself up, but I learned something important that night: going to parties is a waste if you’re not under a drunken haze.
Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if you weren’t in a crappy mood, but you were, because you hadn’t wanted to go to Logan’s in the first place, and even though you swear you had a good time, you didn’t. So I’m trying to dance and have fun, but I just end up noticing things that I normally don’t, like how many people interrupt my good time when their trying to get through, how crowded it is, jealous bitches, and most importantly, the number of guys that were trying to get in my pants. All of which could have been avoided if I was slightly inebriated. The guys obviously didn’t do anything crazy, because it was pretty obvious I was dancing on my boyfriend, but that didn’t stop them from making eyes. So anyway, I’m trying to cheer you up and try to have a good time myself, and it’s just not working. You’re not dancing, not that you usually do, but I don’t notice that much because I’m usually drunk, it’s way too loud to talk, and the thing that gets me is, this is how you prefer it. You’ve made it pretty obvious that you don’t like drinking as much as I do, and that you’d prefer that I wouldn’t drink at parties; which really busts my balls because you’re getting your wish and I’m not having any fun, basically telling me that we’re not compatible in this way.
So we head home and talk a little bit about it, which just entails me telling you that you didn’t have fun, and you denying it.

The aftermath of pike night is this: Logan thinks you’re not the one for me, I realize that you’re not a big a party animal as I am, and that drinking at parties is a must, for me, sorry.

And then all the time in between these three events I’ve been wondering if I’m just being the bitchiest girlfriend on the planet, or if I actually have valid points. Talking to you doesn’t really help much because you don’t argue, you just agree, and I don’t’ do well with that. I like to argue. Arguing is healthy in small doses, and it’s what I’m used to. My last relationship was with Jeff and we’re both stubborn Italians, so we fought, but it always turned out with us getting a new perspective on things, which was good. So yea, I haven’t been around much, and you’re right, I’m avoiding our problems, but I also need time to think, too.

Any questions?

You know what pisses me off?

The fact that I have to grow up.
I don't want to grow up,
and no, not just because being a teenager is fun, and it's a big party and all those common misconceptions.
I don't want to lose the way I think about things.

Let me put it this way, think back, way back, to when you were a kid.
How did you view the world? You thought it was a pretty great place, right?
You had the coolest parents, even if you couldn't stay up past 9, you were outside as often as you could be, riding your bike, or going on adventures.
Hell, just walking for me was fun as a kid.
Now? Nothing is as fun as it used to be.
I can't imagine entertaining myself for hours just playing with some dolls, or a cardboard box, like I used to.
I had this fucking amazing tree as a kid, I would go up there and sit in that tree, usually with a good friend of mine, and we would just chill, talk about TV shows, act them out, and shit, we had so much fun.
Now if you told me to sit in a tree with you I'd think you were fucking psycho.
It already pisses me off that I've lost that. I mean, maybe I can get some of it back, but I sure as hell won't get all of it, and besides, you see a teenager sitting in a tree talking to herself, you're going to think she's high on something.

Okay, so that's gone, now look at the present.
We're young, we do stupid shit, a lot, and what do our hypocritical parents say? They scoff at us, like we should know better, like we're immature for having some fun. Cops and adults hate it that teenagers park at random places, like North Kroger, or Hoosier Suds. They don't remember what it was like, to just hang out with your friends and trade stories about that one weekend where everyone got wasted. They're too grown up.
It's all over for them, and I don't want that to happen to me. I want to stay this young, or younger, forever.

Damn, I remember as a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up, I couldn't wait to drive and go to prom, and do all the fun things teenagers do, and yea, it's fun stuff, but now I just wish I could go sit in my tree again, or pick dandelions.

Oh, and you know what happened to my tree? MY fucking tree? Or hell, MINE and MATT R'S tree? They chopped all the branches off. They fucking sliced it to bits, I guess we never really can go back.

But I wish I could.

What the hell happened to me last night?

It might be because I'm menstruating, or it could be because I'm just a woman, and therefore completely confused on my emotions at all times, or not one of these and a completely different reason entirely, but what does it matter really?

I'm menstruating, I'm a woman, and I'm confused.

I suppose I'll come to a conclusion soon, after evaluating everything without bleeding from my uterus, and see how that goes.

"Adieu."

Yay :)

For the first time, in a long time, things are looking up.
Only 3 finals separate me from graduating,
I have a second job,
I have a wonderful boyfriend,
and I feel normal again.

Now that school's out of the equation I feel like I'm kissing my depression goodbye, and trust me, I ain't gonna miss it.

I'm trying to find old friends and reconnect and balance everything out, but other than that, everything is going smoothly.

ISU in the fall, and I should have a pocketful of cash thanks to los trabajedores uno y dos.
:)


Yay.
I'm gonna take advantage of my good mood and turn on some good music, and clean, this room definitely needs it.



So much wuvs <3

M3h.

Nothing new to update really.
Just work.
I'm ready to take my Comp final, seriously? I'm supposed to be LEARNING?
Sorry, actually learned this like 5 years ago.

Me and the bf are good...
Almost a month already!
Time flies. Fo Real.

Situation at home as lightened up, thank God.

Blah.
I'm becoming a night owl.
Wondaful.

Decisions...

So.... How should I say this?

Well first off, to Chris, who I know reads this, this isn't about you. So myea.

Back to my thoughts: how do you break it off with someone when you've been with them a super long time? When they've given you everything and asked for very little in return? How do you give up on someone who hasn't done too terribly much to you that would be considered bad? In other words, how do you break up with your mom?

Although all the above are true, you've also done many things I don't agree with, and a good many people would frown upon. Our relationship is good in the mother daughter aspect, but it's completely inappropriate in other areas.
Not so much now, that I'm grown, but let me quote kelly clarkson to help you understand the unhealthy side effects:

"I was so young you should have known better than to lean on me, you never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain; and now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing."

Meet my mom.

On the outside, you'll find her boisterous, full of life. Talk to her for an hour.
You'll find her pessimistic. Two hours. You'll find her a cynic. Any more than that and you won't like her much. And if you still like her, she will definitely not like you.
To be completely honest, if she wasn't my mom, I wouldn't like her.
To be completely honest, I'm the only person she's relatively nice to.
To be completely honest, she's turned out surprisingly well.

I feel like I have too many variables to even begin to make an equation for a problem I'm ultimately going to have to solve, and I've never been good at math.

Let's go back, way back, back to when she was a kid. If you want to call it that, she never got to be a kid. She had to be a mother, because hers was a piece of shit. So it makes perfect sense that she wouldn't deem it necessary to let me be a kid for long either.

I will give her this: she's never lived up to her mother's abusiveness. Thank God for that.

So now do you see my dilemma?
There are lots of things telling me I should just break it off and be done.
But then I think of all she's done for me, and even more importantly, not done to me, and I want to give her another chance.

I guess I have some thinking to do.

Who knows, maybe it'll get better.