What I will be.

A good friend of mine read this and told me it was bloggable, so here you go.

I want to reach into someone’s soul, and pull out the dark pillows, I want to bleach them, and return them like new. I want to bring out the sadness, and throw it in the wind, for only the wind will accept sadness. I want to bring down the sun and put it in people’s hearts. I want to make sure they have less bad days. I want them to realize that their depression doesn’t control them, that they can control it. I want to take the cutters and heal their wounds. I want to take the bulimics and anorexics and tell them they are too beautiful and gifted to look so sickly, or to starve themselves. I will take care of them, because they can’t take care of themselves. I will be a strong, confident, woman who has the world in her hands, and a steady head on her shoulders. I will have overcome my own battles and be a stronger person for it. I will paint the sky with my happiness. I will have bad days, I will have good days, I will have neutral days, but I will handle them in the way they should be handled, which is not in bed, or huddled in the corner of the bathroom, or hiding behind a smile. I will let myself take care of myself, because if I can’t do that, I can’t help others who need it much more. My scars will fade, and my understanding will grow. My scars won’t disappear, as that isn’t what I want, I will wear them with a small sense of pride, that they don’t own me, but rather, I own them. They are a part of me, and always will be. I will be okay. I will remember the dark days of suicidal thoughts, and will understand that it doesn’t solve life’s problems, instead it kills the entire equation. My life will be fulfilled and healthy, I will make depression my bitch, and she will do as I say. I will look back on the 18 year old girl, who had so much trouble, and feel grateful for her struggles, because without her, I wouldn’t be where I “am” today. They will know they’re never alone, because I am always there, whenever I’m needed. And I will be available whenever that could be. I will sacrifice a small side of myself for their well-being, as it is just as important as my own, if not to me, then to a mother, or sister, or grandfather. I won’t be able to solve all problems, but I will learn greater knowledge through the journey than the total outcome. After all, we know the ending equation in life, it is the answer in the back of the book, but you can’t cheat your way there, because you haven’t learned how to complete it yet. It’s not something someone can help you with, it’s something you discover on your own, and you begin to learn about yourself. I want others to come to me with their most personal, or silly problems. I want to be needed. I will feel complete through others, as is my way. In saving them, I will save myself. The other hard fact about this, is in failing them, I will hurt myself most of all. I will take the blame, even though I didn’t molest the twins, or noose the closet, or load the gun, my soul will know the blame and accept it. I will have to live with the fact that I won’t win every time. Some of them will cheat life, and jump to the answer in the back of the book, they will choose the wrong way to reach this answer, and their fate will weigh in my heart.
I will have the strength of 1000 armies, and the wisdom of 2000 years. I will do my best to help others, and get them to help themselves.